13 Lessons and Experiences of 2023

I give in! Here's a round up of life events, lessons, what I have learned, where I wanna go in the aftermath of this year.

This will be my last post for 2023. I’m starting fresh in 2024, and will be sharing my first post for the year a few days into the new year. I’m very much looking forward to tending this space, as I have completely revamped it and have been on a good writing and sharing routine that feels really good and sustainable.

This was one of the hardest years of my life. I thought my Saturn return years were hard, but no. So, in a numerical based list, here’s a breakdown of my year — what I gained, what I lost, and what I learned.

1. I gave birth to my baby boy. Right on January 1st, in the wee hours of the morning. As soon as I saw him, it was like I knew him already from forever ago. “It’s you,” my first words to him and he looked right into my eyes. In 2023 I became a mother, and never knew love and care of this depth and intensity (they say you never do till you have a child, and it’s true, true for me).

2. Experienced a health crisis. I’ve never had a health crisis in my life. I’ve never had to be hospitalized. After I gave birth, I developed a rare condition called severe postpartum preeclampsia. This is when your blood pressure goes through the roof shortly after birth. It can result in seizures, stroke, heart attack, eye and organ damage and death. It was a horrifying experience. It left me with PTSD, and a new found fear of getting my blood pressure checked. There’s little to no known cause for postpartum preecalmpsia, and lifestyle/health is not a risk factor. You could be the healthiest Olympic athlete and still get it. This experience connected me to my cardiovascular and heart health in a way that I wouldn’t have been able to if I hadn’t developed this condition. I have such a greater understanding of the heart and cardiovascular system, how to care and tend to this aspect of my body.

3. When your biggest fears come true, you have nothing to do but move through it. It turns out, sometimes it’s actually not that bad. Sometimes, it is really bad. Sometimes when that worst thing happens, turns out to be a really good thing in the end. Turns out, we can transmute and alchemize that experience.

4. I’ve had to surrender to motherhood in ways I didn’t actually know I had to. Gone are the days of my morning pages practice and quiet morning reflection, gone are the days of predictable predictability, lost sleep, wired but tired, house never clean, neglected areas — always a touch of chaos. I thought I would be able to control more in my day to day, turns out… I had to let a lot of shit go. They say it gets easier, and it doesn’t, but it does in some ways. Almost a year in, still not getting the best sleep. It is what it is, and I have had to learn levels of acceptance I didn’t know exisited for me. I find that the more I let go, the better I feel.

5. I had to address extreme stress, PTSD and enter into a healing crisis. After my postpartum condition, I was still unwell for many months after that. I was on a big list of medications. Some nights I was on the national maternal mental health hotline — so afraid I would die in my sleep. Die of a heart attack, stroke, have a seizure while driving. I had to develop a protocol to regulate my nervous system, calm my heart, lower my stress and my blood pressure. Obviously, I had to find a way to address my general anxiety that was exacerbated by postpartum anxiety and depression. This healing period I focused on will be its own post down the road. Eventually, I needed to get on an SSRI, especially as my relationship began to dissolve.

6. I quit my relationship, which was abusive. I tried really hard for a long time. After I gave birth, it became more and more apparent to me, that this person I had a child with, did not actually care about me. I’m not going to go into detail here. I tried and tried. I stopped believing in anything that brought me joy, I stopped having faith in the things I devoted my life to, I lost interest in all my long held passions. You know how they tell you things like that are a red flag? Well, they are. But you don’t realize it in the moment. I stopped trying in my relationship, and it was the best thing I could have done for myself.

7. I had believe in myself and find strength in ways I didn’t think were possible. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time for a woman. I had 6 hours to pack up my business, my personal belongings and leave — I did not look back. I fucking left as fast as I could. I will never regret that decision.

8. I had to ask for help. I had to ask for so, so much help. At every turn, I got the help I asked for. The only thing standing in the way of getting the help I needed, was me.

9. I let go of what I could not change but worked hard at what I could change. Ol’ serenity pray baby!

10. I found a great little house in a great little neighborhood. I came back to the city I had the most community in, and felt the most supported in — and I am so grateful I had a place to land. Through friends and connections, I found a landlord who is not only ethical about rent pricing but was flexible and willing to work with my situation. That’s almost unheard of in college towns in the Pacific Northwest — especially during our housing crisis. From the big grandmother rosemary bush by the front door, to the shaggy unkempt garden beds, big yard and apple trees, it felt so homey and perfect for us. Everything is walkable, and my neighbor and I (also a single mom) have taken to periodically leaving each other gifts at our doors. Words cannot express how settling into a house that feels good, and feels like me feels. Living here feels like a balm on a wound.

11. I unknowingly committed to a slow technological weaning process. After I left my relationship, I was living with my friends for a short period before I moved into my new home. During this time, I deleted Tiktok. It felt like a lot of the messaging I saw on that platform, was very much seeping into my subconscious. I didn’t like it. Also, this ADHD brain will latch onto a catchy jingle like none other and my head felt like it was chaotically flipping from one radio station to the next. My Instagram use was already pretty low, because frankly reels drive me nuts. About three days ago, I decided I was done with the amount of notifications I get on my apple watch, and a few days before that, my therapist advised me to take a good long news cycle break. Right now, I am day 3 into a pretty big cut off from being constantly connected. I never actually wanted to be that sucked into my phone and constant reminders to use apps. The thing was, is that it was a slow creep into my life. One day, I woke up to realize that I don’t need to track every single metric of my life (and for some tech billionaire to capitalize on my data). So, I stopped. And yeah, there’s definitely a withdrawal period… but that will ease up in time. I feel a lot more spaciousness in my body now.

12. I decided to radically pivot my life, go back to school, and become a Registered Nurse. That’s right! I’m going to dip my toes back into school starting next summer. I’m extremely excited, I’m ready to exercise my brain. My postpartum experience made me so very impressed and in awe of labor and delivery nurses, as well as the lactation consultants I worked with. Something in me is stirring to connect Western medicine and herbalism together — I really don’t know what this looks like down the road, but it feels very right for me. I also really liked the idea of more financial stability. I’ve been self-employed for the last 15 years. I have no retirement, and after having to make a major emergency life move, no more savings. The other side to this choice is a bit existential for me: during the early pandemic, my business suffered from major supply chain issues. I really just don’t trust the fragility of our global manufacturing, production, farming, etc. etc. — I will keep making things, as long as I can but I also want more stability.

13. Learning to live life, on life’s terms. That’s a 12 Step saying, and lord have mercy has this year taught me all the lessons in power, control, strength, trusting the process and more. It’s wild, how this year started and is now closing up. I regret nothing, I am so happy about the decisions I made, even though they were so incredibly scary, and I felt I was nearly about to crumble under it all. But I kept going. And I’ll keep on going.

I don’t think the years will get easier for us collectively, but I will continue to lean into love, care and compassion.

Love to you all, I’ll see y’all next year.

Britton