January Field Notes

up's and down's of deep winter

Gosh, I had high aspirations of being able to publish once a week here, but an historic ice storm, loss of power for several days, seasonal depression, and a feverish teething baby have kept me feeling like I am treading water in a heaving ocean that is January.

Imbolc inches closer and closer, the Midwinter mark. We’re halfway there to blessed spring, and I cannot wait. Last year, in spring, I entered into my healing crisis postpartum — it was the most awful and frightening time, punctuated by the joy my newborn baby brought me. Lonely nights listening to rain and frog song…

I felt very ambitious at the start of this January. I wanted to tap a few different tree species for sap, I wanted to gather cottonwood buds — but this ice storm we had stopped me in my tracks. So much damage has been done over such a large area, they have closed up and barred entry into most of the areas I planned to go. Along with that, came this deep sadness and grief of a changed and broken landscape (literally trees are shattered everywhere!) that I could not access like before. It brought on a depression I had a very hard time shaking off. I felt like sludge.

Then my poor baby boy got feverish for a few nights along with a growth spurt (aggressive nursing at night!) and teething — it’s pushed me into deeper states of being present, surrendering to the moments of his needs and breathing through every second where I just want to shut down, but can’t.

Still, here I am — it’s January Field Notes, and these are the notes from (what has felt like) the battlefield.

My wave of seasonal depression felt mightily impactful. I was struggling to cook meals, most tasks felt absolutely draining and I wasn’t writing here, and I wasn’t working for my Feb shop update.

I languished a bit in that space, and then I knew I needed to begin digging myself out. While it’s not a depression cure, it has helped me. Doing these things, always helps me.