I set high expectations for myself when I launched this substack. One thing I have learned in motherhood, that has been a challenging lesson is that when I create a structure for myself it needs to be able to bend and flex with the constant changes and flow of life. I set a fairly rigid writing structure for myself here. Weekly writings, all categorized and themed on a topic for each piece. I was unable to keep up with the demand I set for myself. In a lot of ways, I feel like this sets me up for failure, because if I don’t do it right and exactly the way I laid it out… it stops me. So, I paused writing here.
I looked through my drafts and posts and realize it’s been nearly a year since I last published something here. Life has been been very challenging, with moments of beauty, struggle, chaos and sometimes rare moments of good flow and routine.
It’s very hard for me, as a neurodivergent person to be thrown off my routine. It can take weeks of recovery. Not knowing what to expect, not having that predictability of a solid and well structured routine is so challenging for me.
In the daily flow of keeping up with and being as present as I can be in motherhood, my business, home duties, tending to myself — I have learned that a level of blending, flexing and flowing is required through constantly changing currents. Instead of a rock at the bottom of the river, maybe it’s better to be the bending willow who can flex and flow with the changes — and grow with it.
I digress. In this last year, I’ve come to realize that the childcare I’ve been depending on, simply doesn’t meet my needs to show up for my work the way that I need to. Need is serious. I have been struggling up against this for some time. Childcare is such a massive challenge for any working family in America. It’s expensive, it’s often hard to find, and if you live in a city, even a small city like mine… the waitlists not only cost money to get on. But they are long.
I finally found childcare with consistent regular and full time hours, that will provide my little one with incredible care and education. Having a full Mon-Fri schedule that I can depend on, that doesn’t rely on other inconsistencies in my life will be a massive and welcome change. I feel most mothers deal with the mother guilt of it all Why can’t I do it all? Do I really need more childcare? Why can’t I keep up with everything? Why am I so exhausted all of the time? Am I doing enough for my child? Am I a bad mother for needing full time childcare?
All of this clangs around in my head all day. My logic brain knows none of that is true, but the feeling arise nonetheless. I know that I will be a less stressed, and more present mother when I have the childcare I need. This has been a very welcome new development for me, my work and how I show up to it.
That was a very long way of saying that I will be resuming writing here. I am going to dismantle the ridged writing structure I set for myself here and allow flow.
I’m excited to share more about plants here, observations, recipes, resources, and deep dives into topics that overlap in the realm of herbalism, magic, realistic wellness in late-stage capitalism. Writing is a core part of who I am, and I have missed being able to write freely in the quiet hours that I have (like right now, at 6:21AM while my little one still sleeps).
I will be reactivating the paid subscriptions and regular writing will begin early October. I wanted to give those that follow me here a heads up.
I am looking forward to coming back to this space, back to writing on a platform I enjoy and connecting with others in this space. I have so much I want to say and share.
In rushing river water and bendy willows,
Britton
You're doing great.
Glad you are here!